Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
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Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it