I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Whoa 😂
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.