My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
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I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Cardio Made Easy
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.