If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
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Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Sharon, call the vet
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
In case you needed to hear it:
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Jurassic park gets weird
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos