“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
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When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
The struggle is real
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception