pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
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In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
when you are just born a rebel
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light