Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
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Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Mountain Goat : )
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY