My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
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I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
british sex workers really pound for pound
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Actually cracking up @ this
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Florida be like…
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s