In a parallel universe nobody can park.
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Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.