DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
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But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Breaking news:
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
…..pretty much.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark