Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
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For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
uncle dave has been through hell
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”