It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
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Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Free him
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.