How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
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Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”