“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
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History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.