Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
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So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Steam Forums
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.