The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
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Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.