TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
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I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism