Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
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The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent