Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
You Might Also Like
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
set yourself free xox
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!