My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
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A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol