I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
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Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Ok who’s got my black socks?
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
bias laundering edition
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Wednesday
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.