Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
You Might Also Like
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.