The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
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Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest