I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
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Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.