[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
You Might Also Like
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
car not found
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*