Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
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Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
This why you should mind your business
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
📽️movie date🎞️
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”