Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
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Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.