I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
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“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”