When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
You Might Also Like
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
This is my cat’s medicine.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates