i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
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I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.