I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
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The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber