How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
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One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
broke down and did it
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.