If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
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Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Practicing safe sax
The only equipped I am is ill.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.