My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
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*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Cause of death: Zumba
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!