Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
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My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!