“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
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I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh