I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
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Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.