[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
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Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Lmao
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma