since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
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Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
A man of commitment.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
My support group can outdrink your support group.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”