I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
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My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
☠️☠️☠️
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”