Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
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“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Haha good job!!
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
dream blunt rotation
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.