FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
You Might Also Like
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
If you’re testing me, we failed.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.