ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again