Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
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me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.