The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
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I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
What a year we’ve had this week.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.