If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
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Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
*3.5 thank you very much.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds