Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
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Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Hello Twits.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
“OMGJK” -atheists
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room