me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
You Might Also Like
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.