the three genders
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Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”