Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
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Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?